Sa Wakas ng Bawat Alaala

Patuloy sa pagpatay-sindi ang dagitab sa ilalim ng maramot na ilaw ng Mayari. Waring marupok na mananakop ngunit isang pantas. Pantas na nais sakupin ang ligaya at mag-iwan ng tibatib sa utak na parati ng marumi. Ito na marahil ang isa sa mga gabi at araw na hindi ko kailanman kalulugdan. Ang araw na bumubulong ng mga mapapait kong lihim at nakaraan. Ngunit ito ‘din ang unang araw na mas pinili kong sumulat. Araw na kinalimutan kong lumuha at mas piniling tahimik na humawak ng tinta at kwaderno. Ito na nga ang araw na patuloy ng lumulupig sa aking pagkatao, dahil ngayon ay iyong kaarawan at ang araw na parati mong ipinagdiriwang na hawak ang aking katawan. Salamat dahil ang lahat ng pagdiriwang ay alala na lamang, mga alalang patuloy na bumabalik noong mga panahong ako’y musmos pa lamag. Nakakat’wa dahil hindi ko inakalang wala ng luhang dumadaloy habang iniisip kita. Simula noong biniyayaan mo ako ng mga pilat hanggang sa mga araw na magkatabi tayong natutulog sa masikip nating higaan. Ngunit sa bawat ala-alang sa aki’y nanunumbalik, ganun na lamang din ang bilang ng bawat sakit. Pagdurusa dahil sa mga panahong mas pinili kong maging musmos, mga panahon na nakilala kita at hinayaang bumuo ng magulo at masalimuot kong buhay.

I hate myself for being a child. I hate myself for letting you hurt me when I wasn’t aware what is “pain”. You aren’t a human because I can no longer think of you as one. You’re no longer living because I already killed you in my dreams[and I always will]. But just like you, I can no longer consider myself as a human, because you killed me. You left me because you needed me, and I’m dying because of your memories.

     Now, I wish I did not meet you, I wish i did not become a child, I wish you did not exist at all, because I’m dying. I’m dying while remembering your touch and I’m dying remembering you.

Maging maramot ka! Maging maramot ka nawa sa mga alaala. Dahil ayoko ng muli pang masaktan at ayoko ng muli pang bumalik sa nakaraan.

 

– Marlboro Black and your Regatta (Sa Wakas)

ACTS – An Open Letter on your Birthday! :)

First of all I want you to know that I like your birthday more than you because I feel like it’s wholly dedicated to the fact of your reality. And I think that I’m one of the people who wholeheartedly appreciate it [Syempre kasama sila ‘Tin, Rhea, Bern, and your family and your ALDUB Family! Charity! LOL J]. There are a million reasons why, but lemme state few using the ACTS pattern.

ACTS – This isn’t a prayer for your birthday but a steering wheel that would make you realize the goodness inside you and the goodness you shared to the people surrounds you.

A- Big 20! Another candle would be added on your cake, another year of blessings and a year of laughter and fun, blessing of memories which you could hang on the wall of beautiful life. But for the 20 years of your existence you have already become who you’re supposed to be. Your voice can speak louder than the purity of faith [I could talk to you for hours and never get tired. Your trimming derision can make me realize some of the most important things in life], your hands are the instruments that could be used to share the blessings of happiness [Your positive attitude about life inspires me every day to be a better person], your ears are the foundation of understanding and truth [You always tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear and you can appreciate my voice not for what I say but in a deeper level], your smiles are the reasons why it’s always good to wake up every day, and your heart is the evidence of God’s goodness. You are who you are and you are who you’re supposed to be. You’re on track Aki!

C- The first time I saw you, I thought of you as someone who’s not interested in the shallowness of the world, just like another usual person living merely because that’s what norm dictates. Among the fields of diamond, stone, and gold, I thought of you as someone who would always say “I don’t care”. A not so very special guy with a brain that could die in a mere strike of “Hey there nothing” from a genius. But you brought me in the midst of “mistakes” and showed the whole true picture of you, and from there I became thankful.

T- Thanks for everything! I’ve completely opened up my life to you; everything about my painful past and my current feelings and situation is no longer a secret. You taught me so much in this life and you helped me discover so much about myself. Before you came into my life, I feel like my whole life was a living pain and I didn’t need anyone to help me understand my surroundings. Living day by day thinking what else I could do to make my life meaningful than death. But you came; you made me believe that pains from the past are fuels that could help me be a better person today. You made me realize that no matter how painful the world could be there’s always someone who could help me look for happiness. Your presence forced me to appreciate all angles in life whether straight, right, acute or obtuse. You taught me how to open the true me. You changed me from someone who never cared to share true feelings, ideas, dreams, and sorrows to someone who could appreciate even the blow of the winds. You changed my promises, my pledge and vows; you made it the “present” and taught me how to be happy from it. You helped me find true friends from blue, you helped me become me, you helped me become you, and you helped me become anyone else.

S- Never be the Jack of all trades, but be the Jack of many. Stay as a person I could count on when something’s bothering me, because I know that you could sort things out and make everything seems alright. Continue spreading smiles and happiness, but please stop frustrating me. Stop giving me frustration whenever you’re saying you’re not good enough and you’re not smart enough, you know and I know that it isn’t true because you are the best! Continue to achieve your dreams, study hard because that would make me the happiest. Never stop dreaming and never stop smiling. Your smiles could be someone’s happiness so be unapologetic and smile, smile and smile 🙂 Happy 20th Birthday Jack and I give thanks to the day I met you. Always be happy because Life should be spelled as H.A.P.P.I.N.E.S.S
Again Happy Birthday and Long Live the Jack of Many! 🙂

He’s a Working Student? And he Rocks!

Education is one of the most important factors in unlocking a golden door in the future, it is a way of building bridges for a better tomorrow. Education is something we should go after all the time, it is something we must seek for at all times in every way we can. Why? because the life of God that lives within us demands that we should become better tomorrow than who we are today. But nowadays getting a higher education could be expensive, university fees, lab fees, transportation and all other expenses, because money is becoming a driving force for the journey of learning. These are some of reasons why many students are quitting the academe. But just like an old proverb says “The only thing that is more expensive than education is ignorance”. There are several ways of continuing studies, ways that can be a burden today but can be fruitful someday. One of those is working alongside studies. Some students are weighting this option, struggling to decide whether or not to work while studying. Questions like “Should I become a working student?”, “Should I focus more on my classes so I could get an A+”, and so much more. Questions which should be considered to get away a demean life. But why not do both? Study hard while working hard? There may be disputes for this way of thinking, like difficulties in managing time, lack of sleep and possibilities of a longer time in the academe. While these can be good arguments not to contemplate the “Working student” option, it is still an undeniable fact that finishing a degree with the help of being a working student is something that we could be proud of, pride that would help us value education and whatever lies beyond further on. Time? It could be a struggle today, but that struggle will definitely develop a knowledge and power that you’ll be needing in the future. Time shouldn’t be a reason to quit dreaming and working for success because knowing our goal is knowing what to put on our priority list.

There are several good effects of being a working student, some of them includes extra money, learning how to spend money wisely(budgeting), knowing how to manage time and experiences(Nothing beats experiences!). It would be more beautiful to enhance skills and learn work disciplines early, which would be more beneficial after the school life. Having a job while studying is a great way to improve resume and get ahead of the competition. But above anything else, it would be a learning on how to better value “tomorrow”, because diploma will lead us to a path where we belong.

“Quit your job or quit studying, you’re using your time ineffectively!” -Nobody

Quitting shouldn’t be an option, so Hey! continue your dream yesterday, today and tomorrow, because you rock! 😁

The Oversight Judgment

What is more beautiful? A shirt with a signature brand or a shirt stitched by a loving mother? The answer is none. Rationally speaking, we basically cannot tell whether the branded shirt can be more beautiful than the shirt stitched by a mom, and vice versa. But if we weight the intention and emotion of the person who made the shirt, it would be remarkable that the stitched shirt would be more beautiful than the branded one. But we still cannot be so sure because there could be more logical arguments behind the branded shirt.

This principle also applies to our lives, specifically the way we give opinions on how people react to certain issues or things. Most of the time, we are giving judgment based on our own principles and philosophies. We aren’t digging deep into the situation and concluding our judgment with the little knowledge we have. Examples: We are making judgment about a boss who gave us tons of work to finish, a friend who ignored us while walking at the park, or a girl wearing a micro-mini skirt while in front of a church. But if we are to be judged by other people, we would say that we are just having a bad day or we are just trying to kill a day full of problems. We would create barricade that would justify the reasons of our actions.

Just like an old quotation, “Until the lion learns how to write, every story will glorify the hunter”. We would never know what is right and what is wrong based on how we understand things; we might have had enough experiences about life, but that doesn’t mean that we already know the whole story of every person surrounds us. We shouldn’t easily give judgment because everyone has untold stories which cannot be understood by anyone. It is reasonable to be curious because learning will always root from curiosity, but the world would be more beautiful if everyone knows how to encourage and not to be judgmental. We should always remember that judging a person will only define who we are.

Love For A Dead Hero

When I was two years old one of the most horrible things happened in the life of my family (most specially my Mom). My father passed away. It was a traumatic experience and they never imagined that a strong Military man like my Dad will die in a strike of a Myocardial Infarction(Heart Attack), but sadly it happened. I couldn’t say the exact emotion of my Mom(since I couldn’t remember anything about the incident), but I know it was painful and there’s nothing I could compare to the pain she felt. But since that day, my Mom became the only light and strength of our family. I also became a child growing up without a father and never experienced the love of a real hero. It was hard, growing up without the hand of someone who could help me understand life better than how I could understand it. Carrying the pain of losing a father was my burden every day. Going to school without the company of a father, celebrating birthdays without surprises or even his hugs and kisses, and understanding puberty without guide of a real man. Everything was hard, every day of my childhood became days of searching for something that would never come back. A search for someone who took away the pieces of my life’s puzzle. I know that life is like a puzzle. When important memories combined, those memories will bring out the whole picture of my life. But my father took pieces of it and I know that it would never be returned no matter what. My life is incomplete, and it will never be complete.

But growing up without a father taught me important lessons in life. To be independent and face life with courage and moral strength. I valued the importance of all the people surrounds me and I cared for them like the way a father cared for his child. I also often hear my Mom telling stories about my Dad, that my Dad was a consistent honor student when he was studying, a total achiever and a non-stop dreamer. Dad also mentioned to my Mom about his dream for his child, that he wanted me to be a Lawyer. Those dreams of my father became my fuel to do better in everything I do. I graduated Valedictorian (top of the class) both Primary and Secondary. And now trying hard to follow the pattern of my Dad’s path when he studied college in the United States.

Some says that the hardest part of life is losing someone you love, but I think that the hardest part of life is growing up without the love and presence of someone you love. It is even worse to see that you’re different and feeling those differences every day. Knowing that you are not the same because you understand “Incomplete” better than anyone else. I know that because of my Dad’s death I would never be complete, but because of him(His death) I also learned that I should cherish life and should never fail to show love for my family, because life is short and I should be a good memory to the life of someone I love.

These days, some could still see me looking at the brightest star while talking to it as if it’s my father. It became my habit since the day I started to believe that no one understand my beliefs. Weird as it may sound, but the star(my father) became my companion in the weakest parts of my life. He might not have contributed big things in my life, but he’ll be forever in my heart. He’ll be my hero and he’ll be one of my inspirations until the day I die. And if Dad could hear me today, I would like to tell him that he taught me important things in life and he’s still teaching me. I love him, and I would like to thank him for everything 🙂

A Desperate Love

You came into my life unexpectedly, so I started to fall uncontrollably

And you came like a wild lion, filled with strength and perfection.

But I still promise to be your light when you are in darkness,

I promise to be your music when the rest of the world couldn’t speak,

I promise to be the star that would remind you about the beauty of the sky

I promise to love you in this life and in another one.

But I can only write and skin etch these promises-

Because you already promised the same thing to someone else.

 

 

I shouldn’t fall for you, because you can never fall for me.

I shouldn’t write for you, because you don’t read anything I write.

I shouldn’t care for you, because you don’t care about my existence.

I shouldn’t think of you, because you think of someone else not me.

But I am still writing not because I am in pain, but because I still love you

I still love you not because I can have you, but because I still want to live.

If my love for you is wrong, I don’t want to be right anymore.

And if I’m giving you the wrong love, is there a right love at all?

 

 

The laws of life and love of a Mother

I was walking in the midst of darkness when something came to my consciousness. “I’m chilling and it’s killing me!”. It was exactly the night after my 14th Birthday. The temperature of my body wasn’t in its usual degree and it’s causing slight pain to my head and spine. I continued to walk and ignored the unusual feeling and pain, but as I reached our home the agony became more persistent. I was looking at my hands and just after that I found my self lying on the floor and listening to the noise of my Mom’s scream(about 130dB – I think Mom could ruin Jill Drake’s career. LOL!). But after a moment of melancholy, I woke up and spent the rest of the night besides my Mom. A week passed and my fever was still part of me, chilling and pains was murdering me. It was painful[And memories are still painful]. My Mom decided to bring me to a Doctor for better understanding of my condition. A day of unending tests and laboratories was like the worst day of my life[At least not after we got the result]. “He’s got a high lymphocytes than normal and low level of platelets. We should bring him to Oncologist for proper treatment and medication”.

Magnificent! so I had an undeveloped leukemia[Not less than I thought it was]. By the time my Mom cried(without sounds) like a river of tears, everything about my life started to fade, my dreams was missing and my memories of tomorrow became unknown. My Mom hugged me and whispered something to my ear. “Don’t worry Anak(son), we’ll get another opinion”. But I was totally clueless about my feelings. ” Why am I not crying?”, “Why am I worrying more about my Mom’s tears than my condition?”. I don’t know! I don’t wanna know.

The next day was more miserable, because my family and friends was acting different than normal[It was so scary. I thought the Apocalypse is coming]. Stories then and there, Questions where and why, and tears from corner to corner[Hey! I’m still alive and kicking!]. They were hopeless, but I was happy, happy for the attention I was getting from them. My Mom decided to bring me to another Doctor for second opinion. It took almost three weeks of waiting since we were penniless as well. It was horrible, I felt ignominious and had demean as a profession. Why now? Why can’t I continue life without money?

But after weeks of waiting, the Doctor nonchalantly said to my Mom, ” We no longer need to do morrow bone tests. He’s got[only] Idiopathic or Immune Thrombocytopenic Purpura. We could cure it by simple medication that would boost his platelet counts”. Mom was unmindful of the Doctor’s terminology, so I personally volunteered my neurons to explain the situation to my Mom[What’s the use of me, being espertinha and smartass if I couldn’t understand science better than those mediocre? LOL! :)]. So everything turned out to be the answer of my family’s “prayer”. My family and friends celebrated right after the medication and testified my ” life’s miracle” to our Christian church. At this moment, you could still hear my Mom telling stories about my second life(including my medical records) and it became her memento.

That moment became my most important lesson in life, that I should seize the present day. From there, I became Skeptic. Not because I always wanna question or doubt opinions or because I don’t believe that life has it’s purpose and meaning, but because I no longer want to be afraid of people’s words and actions. I will not allow people, science, feelings and emotions conquer my dream. Because from that moment became the beginning of my unending desire and pursuit to learn everything.

One of the other lessons I learned from that mind-blowing and metamorphic experience is the importance of a Mother. The unconditional love of a mother, nanay, inay, ‘nay, mamang, mama, mamshie, etc. That no matter how painful life could be, the mother will always help you carry the 99.99% of your pain and she will never give up. Just like a quotation from an English writer, Agatha Christie “A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in it’s path”.

I’m not writing this to remind everyone how important life and mothers are. But this is a wish that everyone will understand the importance of time. Time is cruel, so start achieving your dream and start showing your love for your family. If you wanna confess your love or you wanna do something that would change the world, do it now! Don’t wait for time crumple your dreams! Don’t wait for time make you realize its power, because I swear it would be painful and the pain can make you forget about life. Stand between love and dreams and worry no more, because “Mom will always stand besides you”